It's good to know that no one reads my blog.. So if you should read it someday.. Be forewarned that I'm open and some of the things I may say.. I wouldn't have told you any way..

My ear infection seems to be chronic.. I am now wondering if the antibiotics don't get rid of it ever complete.. Could it be cancer in my ear.. Sure it could. How do I deal with this.. I watched a person die from ear cancer once.. It was not pretty. The swelling was terrible. I never understood how it happened or how no one could off him a bit of comfort or help. In the end he was living off a food tube and pain killers.. Was I kind enough.. I don't know I was too young to understand.. And now I'm too scared for .. knowing.. But, then I don't understand this world now any better after all these years..

I am so boxed in right now.. I am stuck here living with a husband I really do not know.. Do not know who he is anymore.. And I am soo tired of living poor.. Poor in hope.. Poor in spirit.. Poor in joy.. It is not about the financial situation.. It is the poor of not caring about another no even their well being.. Care and comfort.. not here.. Self centered and self absorbed..

I feel paralyzed ... unable to get settled here in this new location.. He won't let me organize it the way I would like. I can't purchase anything for this home.. It feels so shabby and for sure not shabby ... chic... But old and broken down and ignored and beige... I want to live in a colorful place with tons of color and light and joy.. This is killing me.. And it may very well be killing me.. You get down and you start looking for the end.. I will not be scared.. If I do this again.. Will I remember to make different choices.. Choices that would make me happy and NOT the choices that made for east security. IT sure hasn't been easy.. It hurts a whole lot.. It makes me cry and I wasn't a crier.. It makes me feel sooo sad and lonely.. And I wasn't a lonely person... I have always tried to be the brave and strong one..

Can I throw something..Can I throw lots out.. What if I died tomorrow ... do I want my children throwing it all away when I could have done this,too..

I need to get back to throwing 50 things out a week.. IT always makes me feel better..
Off to throw..